From Here To Over There

Happy new years! From 2011 to 2012

2011-12-23T15:04:00.000+08:00

2011 was a great year.

I did a lot.

I Started taking my Chinese language learning more serious. I moved closer to work, and I settled into Taipei. It really feels like home now.

This year has gone by faster then the previous years, maybe this is because I'm in more of a pattern again. I go to work, I go to play, I go to the restaurants and bars that I know and like. Theres a greater amount of similarity to things and repetitiveness. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's nice to be familiar with things, with people. It's nice to know a place you can go and always enjoy yourself. The problem with this is that it all starts to blend into concentrated moments that can easily be put into just a few simple categories.

Only thing 2011 really lacked was a solid core of friends. I know a lot of people here, but I'm not really close with many of them, and I didn't find a best guy friend replacement for Christian.

2011 was a calm year. It did have its fair share of adventures of course, but it lived up to its Rabbit moniker. A bit more relaxed then the previous tiger year, no big rumbles in my life.

2011 was about moving beyond introductions and about really trying to get to know this culture and this city. Like really know it, although I wouldn't say I really know it yet.

Life doesn't feel like I'm on a trip, it feels more like I'm just living. Taiwan doesn't feel like a place I came to, it feels like the place I live.

2011 was a happy year. If I was to compare the amount of depression, stress, anxiety and other negative emotions I've battled in the past. 2011 saw the lowest levels in a decade. That's a great thing, and I'd like to see that continue in 2012.

I'm feeling more at peace with who I am and what I'm doing here. Feeling more confident about my life, values and dreams.

2011 was a great year, I'd like something similar in 2012

-----------------------------------

My Best and Worst of 2011

-----------------------------------

Worst of 2011:

sometimes being frustrated with how I'm ( sometimes ) treated as a foreigner. see the 5 reasons post.

Having my scooter stolen. Not only was it stolen, but it had my only warm jacket inside, and a brand new red helmet that fit my head better then any helmet I've ever owned. Thankfully its winter and I never feel like riding around on it anyways. Enjoy that red helmet you bastard.

Saying goodbye to my good friend Christian. See you in China next summer.

Saying goodbye to Comet, good luck in Australia.

Best of 2011

Chinese New Years at Omas in Miaoli with Mei ti, Val, Joke and Christian

Hanging out with the Belgian girls.

Scooter rides with Christian and generally acting like a ass with him.

Trash holiday with Val and Christian and Liona. That was fantastically ridiculous. Ran around a toxic beach like maniacs, almost stepped on numerous syringes, cut my foot open on a rock and had to get stitches. 5 hour scooter ride home. Great adventure.

Watching Christian audition for a dancing role in a commercial. I hadn't laughed that hard in years.

Moving to my own place closer to work. Sure living with roommates is nice too, but living alone is so comfy. I can do whatever I want, walk around naked, not clean up, leave my AC on full blast all day long if I want... and nobody gets to complain about it.

Meeting and hanging out with Comet. Going to Penghu island and grilling oysters over a fire on the beach. It doesn't get any more fantasy than that.

Climbing Mt Chilai with Ingred and her friends. That was an amazing adventure. Watching the sunrise over the mountains at 3400meters is priceless.

Being introduced to the Japo Place on Fuxing and some other cool places I didn't know about. Thanks "J"

My trip to Tainan with Comet. What a great place!

Meeting with tutors to try and find the right one!

Watching so many Chinese and Taiwanese movies! ( I still can't understand a thing damn it )

My new e-cig

Seeing Liz and Jay in Taiwan and having an amazing week with two of my best US friends.

Netti pot － thanks liz for getting me into this, its amazing!!

Being told by my Chinese tutor that she has seen a huge improvement since she met me. ( oh.... trying to butter me up eh..... )

Ok.... that's just off the top of my head. Every year offers up so many small amazing moments that are hard to recall later.... but those are the things that make a year really great.

----------------------------------

Last year New Years Resolutions - did I???

----------------------------------

Continue to improve my Chinese. ---- I did I did!

Meet and make friends with old people. --- NO I didn't

work on not trying to control the outcome. --- this is a bit abstract... but, yeah I guess I did.

get a haircut. --- I did, twice, no... three times. My hair is still long though

Do more yoga. --- NO, I did significantly LESS yoga then in 2010

Try not to buy plastic bottles of beverages from 7-11... ( even though I do think they impart a special flavor that's hard to resist. ) ---- YES, I bought very little plastic this year, as I usually refuse to buy any drink in a plastic bottle. Instead I go for the cardboard cartons... which, who knows if that's better or whatever. Plastic is poison.

----------------------------------

This years New Years Resolutions -

----------------------------------

Continue to improve my Chinese. This will be the only big resolution for this year and is really a carry over from last years. the resolution part is to commit to increasing the amount of effort I put into it. I had only just started meeting with a tutor late 2011. This year I will continue to meet with a tutor on Fridays, as well as do Language Exchange every Tues day and Thursdays, while continuing to use my lunch hour to study my textbook. One thing I want to start doing more of though is instigating conversations with strangers to practice more.

A few small ones -- Make better guy friends, Go to Kenting, Visit the USA, Visit mainland China

oh.... and one more....big one...

No guilt : I commit to living this year guilt free. I won't allow others to impose their own sense of right and wrong or skewed sense of moral supiriority on my life or make me feel bad about who I choose to be!

Hey!

新年快樂！

happy new year to all my friends in Taiwan, China, the USA... or wherever else you are in the world right now. You make my life special!

Chris!

Smoking is great

2011-12-01T09:18:00.001+08:00

Smoking is great, and it remains great despite all the death and general disgusting side-effects.

I smoked my first pack of cigarettes when I was 8. We were living in North Carolina, and I simply went to the corner gas station and requested a pack of Camel filters for my dad. I remember this vividly because it was so exciting. It was naughty, I had to lie, and smoking cigarettes was bad. My dad would kill me, but I did it anyways, and it was great.

I smoked the cigarettes behind our house in an alley with a friend who was scared as hell we would get caught. But I wasn't scared. I felt like a bad-ass.

I didn't start smoking regularly till high school; After joining the football team. I was horrible at football, but It turned out that almost everyone on the football team smoked, which I was really good at. There was something exciting and rebellious about spending all week getting in shape, and then huffing down packs of Marlboro reds all weekend.

In 11 grade I got back into skateboarding and snowboarding, and thankfully most of those friends smoked. In Michigan one of the best smokes to be had was in the middle of winter, riding up a chair. Snow lightly falling all around you, floating up through clean crisp air, with no other place to be or things to worry about. Lighting up a warm minty Marlboro solidified the experience, burning the feeling into your soul . Sounds like poetry because it is.

The cigarette didn't make the snowboarding better, it just made it all more spiritual.

This feeling goes way way back too.

Early north American Indians held tobacco, and the smoking of in a very high place. They believed that tobacco was a gift from the creator and famously smoked tobacco during sacred ceremonies to seal bargains They believed that the smoke was capable of carrying ones thoughts and prayers to heaven. While most modern smokers probably wouldn't go this far with it, I'd bet most would agree that their smoking goes beyond the obvious.

And that's the real reason I think its so hard for people to quit. Blaming it all on nicotine is too easy for those who don't understand the ritual part of it.

I quit smoking in college, not because I really wanted to, but because it was hurting my throat. After quitting I can honestly say that I felt healthier. I could breath better that's for sure. And not having to worry so much about the cancer was nice too. But I lost something as well. I was no longer in the club. No reason to sneak out back with my buddy for a quick one, and share a quick bit of gossip. No reason to get out of my desk at work and take a quick 5. No instant friends out on the street in the cold. Nothing to help me look like I have something to do, when I really don't.

I have a good friend who's trying to quit smoking. Part of me hope's he fails. He looks like such a bad ass when he smokes and I love it. Maybe that's because I learned to feel that way, but I enjoy watching him and other people smoke cigarettes in the same way co-workers with kids and wives still love to hear about all the singles kids crazy weekends. living vicariously is still living.

I started smoking again. But this time I'm using one of those new Ecigs you might have heard about. I can hear the sighs already. But really, no carcinogens, no smoke, no stink, and yet the holding, inhaling, taste and feeling remain intact. There's no lighting to do, which is a bit of a drag, and so far Ive had more then a few people say it looks really stupid. But that's ok because I like it. It's fun, reminds me of how great smoking was, and its nice to add a bit of spirituality back into life. Even though it's relatively healthy compared to traditional cigarettes, there's still enough people who detest it to allow me to feel like I'm rebelling, like I'm being a bit naughty. That's good because it keeps things exciting, keeps me feeling like a bad ass. I'm trying to get all my friends hooked too. Soon enough we'll all be in the club again.

5 reasons foreigners don't have it easier

2011-11-17T08:26:00.001+08:00

Twice this week I’ve been told by Taiwanese thatforeigners have it easier here. ( living in Taiwan that is ) And thisassumption is communicated to me and other foreigner friends here on a regularbasis. While I do think there are many benefits to being a foreigner livingin a foreign county like Taiwan, I feel there are some things about being aforeigner, that aren’t easy, that Taiwanese don’t always seem aware of. I'd like to offer up 5 reasons why being a foreigner in Taiwan isnot easy.

1. Foreigners will never be considered Taiwanese.

This might sound silly to a Taiwanese person but it’sa big one for me at least. Think about it this way:

If you, being a Taiwanese person were to immigrateto American, and meet some people say... in a cafe, they would unquestionablyassume you are an American. That's nice, because the assumption means peoplealso assume.... "you belong here" I sometimes feel I could live herein Taiwan for 20 years, speak perfect Chinese and still not be consideredTaiwanese. It doesn't feel like Taiwanese think foreigners belong here at all.People don't ask me if I want to leave Taiwan, but when. It has the effect ofmaking you feel like you shouldn't consider this place your home, and that theTaiwanese don't consider you a real part of their society.

2. Most Foreigners don't speak Chinese

That means doing basic things like, finding aparticular product you want to buy, getting directions, meeting people andmaking friends are more complicated. "But so many people here speak English"you say! Yes that's true, but that doesn't mean things are easier, unless youlimit yourself to a tiny community of foreigner friends and ABC’s and neverleave it. Most Taiwanese are taught English from childhood, so when they travelabroad I assume they have far fewer communication problems. There was noChinese language class offered in my high school, and even in college the Chineselanguage class I wanted to attend, never had enough enrolled students for themto actually hold the class.

3. Speaking Chinese is hard

Well this sounds like a no brainer, but what I meanis a bit different then how that sounds. If you are a Taiwanese person, and youmove to Australia on a working holiday to have a bit of fun and improve your English,I'll bet that virtually everyone you come into contact will speak English toyou, because they assume you speak English. If your English isn't that good, itdoesn't matter, they will continue to speak in English to you, thereby continuingto help you improve. Contrast that with trying to speak Chinese as an Englishnative in Taiwan. First, many people simply avoid talking with you at all. Theyassume you don't speak Chinese, so don't want to bother. If they speak good English,they'll practically refuse to speak to you in Chinese. Why would they when it’ssuch a pain in the butt to listen to your poor Chinese? If they are kind enoughto humor your Chinese, the humor usually doesn't last long. I'll sympathizewith the Taiwanese a bit. Having to put up with my poor Chinese can’t be easyfor them either. But the fact is, it’s harder for Foreigners to move here andspeak Chinese with people, then it is the other way around. I constantly hearpeople complain about foreigners who still can't speak Chinese, but they don'ttry to communicate this to me in Chinese. They're forgetting what a huge amountof will power and energy it takes to get Taiwanese people to actually speakwith you in Chinese.

3. Foreigner men just want to sleep with lots ofwoman

This is the general stereotype, which also impliesthat foreigner men are less moral then Taiwanese men, and I love stereotypesbecause most of the time there is some truth to them. I won't get into the factthat if you look at the numbers there are probably more foreigner men living inTaiwan with wives and families then there are single sexual predators. Theproblem I have with this one though is the "Foreigner" part. It’s abiological fact that ALL men in ALL countries want to sleep with lots of woman,which unfortunately includes Taiwanese men as well. I also suspect that justas many Taiwanese (which includes Taiwanese woman of course ) who travel abroadhave some fantasy about "hooking up" with someone while they arethere. So what? Who’s that Taiwanese girl who travelled Europe kissing hundredsof guys? She made book right? Good for her!

4. Foreigners get stared at

This doesn’t bother me personally as much as itdoes others. It’s because there are less of us, we stand out. But what thisalso means it that you constantly feel you are being scrutinized and judged byeveryone around you, because you are.

5. Working here seems to gain little respect amongthe Taiwanese

Getting an English teaching job here is fairly easyfor most foreigners. The pay is decent and the hours are low by comparison. Butthey don't get much respect. In fact they are almost universally looked downon. I've had many Taiwanese tell me they think English teachers are"losers". This contempt doesn't go unnoticed by the English teachingcommunity and can weigh quite heavy on them. Most of the English teachers Iknow feel bad about what they do, forgetting about the fact that the reasonthey have these jobs is because of the high demand for more English teachers.Even as a foreigner with an office job here, I still sometimes feel as if I'mseen not as someone who was good enough to get a job here, but as someone whomust not have been good enough to get a job in the US.

Because of these things, its sometimes easy to feellike an immoral, low class, unwelcome loser who is obviously too dumb tocommunicate in Chinese. Of course I don't want to give the impression that me,or my other foreigner friends feel like this all time. I love Taiwan, theTaiwanese people and culture, that’s why I'm here. I could easily come up withanother list of 10 reasons why being a foreigner in Taiwan is great! But livingin Taiwan as a foreigner is not always the big "bed of roses" that Ifeel most Taiwanese people think it is, and it’s something I wish more of myTaiwanese friends were sensitive to.

Working in Taiwan?

2011-10-03T19:23:00.001+08:00

A friend of mine ( we'll call him "R" ) recently posted a list of "working in Taiwan" assumptions on his blog. As someone who has also worked in Taiwan I felt compelled to make some commentary on the subject. I think his blog comes from a very western perspective on things which is appropriate for understanding the differences there are between working in Asia and the west. In this post I'm not trying to debate his ideas as much as I am trying to see some of the reasoning behind them.

You can view R's original post here

R- The pay is shit unless you are a foreigner."

What I think he actually means by this is that the pay is quite a bit lower then one would expect from a similar position in many western countries. This was one of the things that weighed heavily on my mind when I was originally deciding if I should stay here or not. In the end I chose to stay, and recognize the fact that as a worker in Taiwan, I don't deserve more pay then everyone else simply because I'm a foreigner. Many foreigners here do make more for that very reason, and its a bit unfair I suppose.
I think that most Taiwanese here assume that I make more as well. But I don't, and while I love money as much as the next, I feel fair about what I'm payed.

R- HR determines the pay, not your manager/director, and they base it on age, a little on degree level, and almost none on experience.

This seems to be true, however as I seem to be getting older all the time lately, this appeals to me, but I can see his frustration.

R- Most people get burned out within 2 years..

Yes, its a turn and burn culture right now, but that will change soon. As companies begin to discover the huge value in finding and retaining quality talent who enjoy their work, they will ease up, and the office culture will change. Those pioneering Taiwanese's companies who do this first will also be the first to reap the rewards, and when other companies start to wonder why they lag behind, they'll scrabble to catch up.

R- They expect you to "work" long hours.

It's true, and this is one of the huge contributers to the "turn and burn" culture. After a few years of working 100 hours a week, humans just fall apart, so they quit. And the biggest losers ( in terms of actual dollars because of this ) are the companies they quit on. They'll do the math someday.

R- They like to get in to your personal life.

True. Thats just the Chinese in them. They might see it being less of "getting into your biz" and more about building "guanxi". Culturally this can seem a bit intrusive to westerners, but to the Taiwanese and Chinese, its about doing good business.

R- Not very many think outside the box or creatively.

At first glance it can seem this way. Taiwanese are taught from a very young age not to question authority, which can also lead to not questioning the way things are in general. Because of this, it can be hard for many Taiwanese and Chinese to think "out of the box" not because they can't, but because they were taught that it is disrespectful. In spite of this there are loads of young Taiwanese and Chinese who are remarkably creative. Taiwan in recent years has seen a boom in talented young artist and designers who have a truly unique style worth recognizing.

R- The manager (or director/VP/CEO) is always right. Even where they're very, very wrong.

This too comes from an upbringing that stresses respect of elders and your authority figures. Its also about "face" and not causing your superiors to lose it. Taiwanese are much less direct then westerners, which can initially come across as being passive, however if a superior is very wrong in a decision, Taiwanese who are at the appropriate level can and do question decisions, they just do it the long way around in order to avoid any embarrassment and ill feelings. This long way around can be completely missed by us foreigners who are unskilled in this type of communication.

R- The younger workers are way too coddled.

You could say this. You could also say that young workers are allowed to make more mistakes and given more wiggle room then you'd expect in the west. I don't see this is a terribly bad thing.

R- They have no idea how to budget time properly.

Chinese and Taiwanese are a bit less concerned about time then us westerners, it's true. Thats why meetings can drag on for hours and hours with no clear decisions being made, and bosses don't see why you need to leave the office at 7pm, and coworkers can sit around on a 2 hour lunch break. I think this also stems from a deep rooted cultural value of time. Which is, time is no big deal. Chinese are more leisurely about things, which can come across as a waste of time to us busy-body westerners. Although it can be really frustrating when deadlines need to be met, I generally like this attitude.

Working in Taiwan is different then working in the west, in many ways, and on many levels. As a foreigner living and working in Taiwan I feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to learn about this culture in such an immersive way, and feel that with time and experience the best of both cultures will emerge to create new work environments that are truly dynamic and forward thinking.

What everyone wants to be asked

2011-08-21T20:35:00.000+08:00

As an expat living in Taipei I'm asked a lot of the same questions, a lot of the time.

On a recent hiking trip, my friend noticed it too. She pointed out that in two days I had been asked, in about 8 separate incidents the same exact grouping of questions.

Which are, roughly as follows:

Where are you from?

How long have you been here?

what do you do?

How long do you plan to stay?

Do you have a girlfriend?

My friend said that I should just get a t-shirt made that answered all those questions,

so I could wear it around and everyone would just know without having to ask.

Which is funny because when I was traveling I remember having the same idea with some other travelers, because, when you're traveling everyone always asks you a similar list of questions

Where are you from?

How long have you been traveling?

How long do you plan to travel?

whats the craziest thing you've seen so far?

Have you gotten sick?

The t-shirt idea seems to pop up as a joke, out of a frustration over having to talk about the same thing over and over.

The rub is that those questions get asked all the time, because they're somewhat necessary from a strangers point of view aren't they? When I was traveling I would become really frustrated with having what I call "clone" conversations with practically everyone that I met, but when it came down to it, those were conversations we had to have, regardless of how bored we were with them.

So…. How long HAVE you been here?

What can we ask that hasn't already been asked-to-death anyways?

I'll try to think of five ( this was going be ten… but I trimmed it. )

• what's your favorite shape?

• when was the first time you saw a naked girl?( if its a girl, same )

• Whats your least favorite article of clothing that you still regularly wear?

• what was the last question your best friend asked you?

• What were you doing last year, on this same day?

When trying to come up with a few unique questions I realized I could just come up with five totally bizarre questions that nobody would truly ask in a day to day conversation, let alone when you first meet someone, but then they would be questions that nobody would care to have answers to anyways. They wouldn't lead to an interesting conversation, which might be what everyone wants.

I tried these questions out on my friend just to see….

Hearing that her mom was the first girl she saw naked wasn't quite as exciting as I had hoped for but the questions seemed to be ask-able, and they started a conversation instead of killed one.

Successes? I'm not sure, we concluded that these questions might not work for someone less acceptable of the strange.

I once read a story in a mens magazine about how to successively pick up cute bartender girls.

Seems that most mens failure is a direct result of asking them the same boring questions that the last 300 guys asked them.

Probably something like:

So.. How long have you worked here?

What nights do you work?

Whats your favorite drink?

What time do you get off work?

The article basically instructed men to be creative, ask something that hasn't been asked before,

in order to "arouse her personal interests".

So it isn't so much about asking the right "questions" as it is about asking the questions that the other person wants to be asked.

Everyone wants to talk about the things they wish they were talking about instead of all those things they're tired of talking about.

This month I went to a performance called the "anthology of optimism". It was really amazing and thought provoking. After the show I bumped into the two guys who performed it. So I started asking them a bunch of questions about it, questions I would initially assume they'd like to be asked. But I quickly realized that they must be asked these questions ALL the time too….

I mean… they've probably done the show hundreds of times. They want t-shirts too by now. Shit.

The thing is, its also hard for anyone to say what it is they would want to be asked about.

I was going to come up with 5 questions I want to be asked, but…

then I realized the final realization of this whole post.

Which is..... that I don't want to tell anyone what I want to be asked, mainly because I don't know, but also because when it comes down to it, I think people like me and everyone else, want others to instinctively know what it is we want to be asked, so we can talk about what it is we think we want to talk about.

Some Lin Yutang quotes...

2011-07-18T01:01:00.000+08:00

Was reading from my Lin Yutang book tonight "The importance of living" ( which I can't believe I still haven't finished ) and felt like posting some quotes that I liked from a section titled "This earth the only heaven"

"A vague hope of immortality detracts from our wholehearted enjoyment of this earthly existence."

"Although we select our pleasures according to our inclinations --- some noisy and rowdy, others quiet and sedate --- yet when we have found that which pleases us, we are all happy and contented, to the extent of forgetting that we are growing old. And then, when satiety follows satisfaction, and with the change of circumstances, change also our whims and desires, there then arises a feeling of poignant regret. In the twinkling of an eye, the objects or our former pleasures have become things of the past, still compelling in us moods of regretful memory. Furthermore, although our lives may be long or short, eventually we all end in nothingness. "Great indeed are life and death" said the ancients. Ah! what sadness!"

"Belief in our mortality, the sense that we are eventually going to crack up and be extinguished like the flame of a candle, I say, is a gloriously fine thing. It makes us sober; it makes us a little sad; and many of us it makes poetic. But above all, it makes it possible for us to make up our mind and arrange to live sensibly, truthfully and always with a sense of our own limitations. It gives peace also, because true peace of mind comes from accepting the worst. Psychologically, I think it means a release of energy."

"We human beings have a limited span of life to live on this earth, rarely more then seventy years, and therefore we have to arrange our lives so that we may live as happily as we can under a given set of circumstances."

"For if we love a woman, we do not love her geometrical precisions of features but rather her ways and gestures in motion, her looks and smiles. But are a woman's looks and smiles physical or spiritual? No one can say."

"from the Taoist point of view, an educated man is one who believes he has not succeeded when he has, but he is not so sure he has failed when he fails, while the mark of the half-educated man is his assumptions that his outward successes and failures are absolute and real."

Nail biting and other bad habits...

2011-06-03T17:42:00.000+08:00

I've been biting my nails for years. Maybe even decades.

It's hard to tell when it started, but its easy to see the results. Ragged, war-torn nails bound to snag and scratch everything they make contact with. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see strange scratches on my face, thinking I may have been attacked by angry cats in my sleep. A serrated middle finger suddenly makes contact with my thumb, and I know.

In and around 2008 my nail biting was so out of control that I started talking about it with others. "What could I do to curb this horrible habit of mine?" My boss at the time also suffered from this "bad habit" and gave me a bottle of No Bite nail polish. You paint it on your nails, and the next time you stick a finger in your mouth, you taste shit. It works, and the polish lasts for almost a week, depending on how much of it you eat.

Of course, you have to keep up the habit of painting it on. After a few weeks I stopped using it of course, and resumed my nail chomping, much to my mouths delight of course. It always feels quite good to relapse on a bad habit too.

I used to assume that my nail biting habit was the product of stress, nervous energy, anxiety about my day or whatever.

I google it....

I wasn't surprised to see that there is a wikipedia page specifically on nail biting. Wikipedia calls it "an impulse control disorder in the DSM-IV-R while the ICD-10 classifies it as "other specified behavioural and emotional disorders with onset usually occurring in childhood and adolescence"

That sounds horribly serious. After reading that, and the section about "behavioral treatments" I could easily imagine a life filled with visits to nail biting specialists, various physicians and psychologist, medications, treatment regimens, and support groups, all in the name of eliminating my "impulse control disorder"

It's true that I'm periodically concerned about it, and wouldn't mind quitting.... but... I dont care that much.

I went for another google....

Over at ezinearticles they're a little more kind on the subject. They say that "millions of people" bite their nails, ( which I KNEW ) and that it's mainly from "boredom, stress, or worries." They also mention that "people with higher levels of intelligence" start chewing on their nails earlier. I like the sound of that, and I suddenly feel.... almost proud...... of my habit. I do this because I'm of a higher intelligence.... yeah...

Perhaps my nail biting is, in reality, a quite sophisticated thing. Much like: smoking pipes, sipping scotch, and..... such....

The most effective solution to biting my nails, I've found so far, is simply to keep my nails as short as possible, thereby drastically reducing my teethes ability to grab ahold of anything to mangle.

I dated a girl once who told me my nails were way too short, and that I should keep them longer. So for her, I decided to give them a grow-out. It was a catastrophe. I chewed them into long disgusting sculptures of horror. I quickly went back to keeping them short.

In addition to biting my nails, I have another habit that involves biting. I use my teeth to pull out small hairs from my hands and fingers. I once googled this too just to make sure I wasn't alone in this odd sort of thing. I'm not of course. google it.

RadioLab ( podcast ) did an episode on stress, and they mentioned something interesting. "Biting and chewing is a natural way to relieve stress, and can be an effective way of lowering it". So I guess I can just look at it that way. I'm lowering my stress. Biting my nails is actually helping me. To quit would be unhealthy and would drive me to more..... harmful habits. Like smoking. Besides, if you quit too many "bad habits" you just end up with nothing to do during all those lulls in life. Instead of a quick moment to do something harmless and slightly destructive, you're just left with... boredom. And everyone knows what boredom leads to...

Bad habits.

A "good" Uncle

2011-05-25T22:42:00.001+08:00

"So… you're an uncle now" is what most people say, almost immediately after I tell them that my sister recently had a baby. "You're going to make such a great uncle" I've actually had a few people say. As if I suddenly remind them of other great uncles they know.

I find myself trying to think of what these great uncles must be like, and if they're anything like my own uncles.

I have a total of four uncles myself. On my moms side there is Uncle Jerry, Uncle Steve, and Uncle Dave. On my Dads side there's Uncle John.

Here's what I can recall about them at this very moment:

My Uncle Jerry lives in northern Illinois somewhere, with his wife. I think he works as a manager or something. He likes to make ladder golf games and sell them on ebay, at least he did 5 years ago at the last family picnic I attended. He has a daughter, my cousin Beth who I know very little about and who has a child whose name I don't know and whose face I've never seen.

Jerry is a funny guy, and of my four Uncles is probably the one whose face and mannerisms I can recall most easily. He likes to drink beer, and at family events would be the first to crack one open, and the first to be recognizably drunk. When he drinks he also likes to thicken up his chicago accent, which quickly morphs into chicago mobster after about 3 or 4 beers. I can't recall ever being at his house.

My Uncle Steve lives in Wisconsin, near Green-bay, and is himself a huge Green Bay Packers fan ( at least I'm assuming he is. ) He has a son, Michael, who is married. I'm not sure what Steve does for a living either, but I think he manages a store or a factory or something. I remember visiting their house once when our family was moving from Alaska to Michigan. I was 13 then. I know that him and his wife like camping and have or had a really nice camper. Camping was the last time I saw Steve, in Wisconsin, about 10 years ago.

My Uncle Dave I know the least on my moms side, and he was the most intriguing. For some reason he just appeared the most held together. This is probably due to the fact that he was the quietest of the three at any family event. I don't know what he does for a living, and I've never been to his home. At this very moment I can't even recall if he has any kids and who they are. oh wait. He has a daughter. Bethany. Bethany also has a daughter who's name I don't know and who I've never seen. I last saw Dave at my grandmothers funeral. He said some very touching words, and cried. I know that they all had a pretty rough childhood.

On my dads side I have Uncle John.

I'm going to assume that I've actually seen my uncle john 4 or 5 times in my life, but of those times I only have real memory of 2. Once when we moved from Alaska to Michigan, stopping for a visit. And once at his daughter Andreas wedding. Andrea, I've also only seen a few times in my life, although she and her family live in Chicago which was only an hour or so from my home in Michigan. I know that uncle John was a very successful business man. Him and his family have a huge house with a pool and live a very good, wealthy life. I think he recently had a heart-attack though and almost died.

I'm sure that if any of my Uncles read this they would be surprised by my lack of knowledge about them. Of course, most people wrongly assume others know more about them they do. I'm also certain that, questioned at this very moment, they would also have a great deal of trouble recalling details about me. I can say for a fact that not a single one of them, at this moment, knows exactly where I live, and what I'm doing here. My own sister probably doesn't know.

Out of curiosity I typed "a good uncle" into google. The first in the list was "How to be a good Uncle" by eHow.com. Here's what they said:

1. Act as a mentor.

2. Involve yourself in their lives

3. Encourage open communication

4. Play the role of family historian

5. Expose them to new experiences

6. Offer to babysit

I've never received any letters, post cards, or phone calls from my uncles. I don't recall ever receiving any birthday gifts, or christmas presents directly from any of them, individually to me. None of them has ever shared a family story with me, or exposed me to anything new.

So….were my Uncles "good" Uncles?

I can honestly say that I never thought of them as being "bad" Uncles. In fact I never thought about judging them in the first place, until the idea of a "good" uncle was presented to me.

To be fair, I've also never sent any of my Uncles any letters or gifts. I've never called them or visited them personally. I've never asked them to share anything about their family or asked them to share a story with me. I'm sure they have some good ones too.

Maybe I'm just a bad nephew.

The thing is, good or bad, I wasn't raised to care that much. I wasn't imbued with the burden of being overly concerned with wether I was being a good family member toward other family members or not. And I don't think they were either.

I'm an Uncle now, thats a fact.

I hope that someday Talyia at least finds my life as an entertainment; that I can act as some sort of interesting element. In the future, I know I can offer some interesting new experiences. I'm willing to play historian, even if my facts are ill checked. I'm open to the communication. I'm open to involvement. I'm open to being a "good" uncle.

30 days, no English. ( first attempt )

2011-04-06T13:32:00.002+08:00

On april 1st I decided I wanted to do a little experiment:

30 days..... no english.

The rules would be simple:

for 30 days I would allow myself to speak only in Chinese. No english at all, not even with my english speaking friends.

If I didn't know how to say something in Chinese, I'd either have to figure it out, or not say anything at all.

The exceptions would be work, and Skype with family.

The challenging part of this "experiment" is that my Chinese is still very poor, which leaves me with few things to say to people. ( you can only ask people "does your food taste good so many times before it gets redundant ) But that's what makes it interesting too.

The point of the experiment is to see what happens of course.

Would my chinese improve? By how much? Just a little? a lot? Will I just not talk for 30 days and become the boring mute that people start to ignore?

I was so excited about it that I posted on facie immediately. Of course. And decided right there and then to begin.

But… I already failed.

I didn't even make it ONE single day.

I did managed to go out with a group of friends and not speak any english for a few hours….. but that's the best it got. ( it helps tremendously that this group of friends speak lots of Chinese that I can understand ) ( I also didn't say much in Chinese though, or even try )

I went camping with some friends, one of whom CAN'T speak any english, which seems like the perfect opportunity. But I barely spoke to her. I hardly even tried. I just became so self conscience of myself.

I know why my experiment failed so horribly, so quickly.

First:

By choosing to speak only chinese, you realize how much you don't know. How little you actually have to say, and how much of what you think you know how to say…. is wrong.

Also…. by announcing it publicly… everything you say, or don't say, suddenly falls into a spotlight. Scrutiny makes everything worse.

But the main reason for failure is this:

A lack of will.

Honestly. I just gave up.

I'm going to guess that most of my friends bet on the odds of me not following through too. Which is fine.

A friend of mine just posted a link to a self help book on my FB wall. Its a book about how to find your "dream job" without taking much risk, or quitting the job you have now.

I made a few snide remarks insinuating how pathetic it is that people always want something for nothing.

"I want to follow my dreams, but not take any risk"

"I want to lose weight, but refuse to exercise or modify my diet."

I want to speak Chinese, without actually having to speak Chinese.

Yeah. I get it.

But I'm determined now to follow through with this experiment. So I'm going to try again.

The Importance of living...

2011-02-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

For a while now I've been reading "The Importance of Living" by Lin Yutang, and have been wanting to blog about it because I'm enjoying the book so much. It's one of the best books I've read in the last few years.

In "The importance of living" Lin Yutang shares what he considers to be the "Chinese" take on things. ( like eating, drinking, leisure, and love... ) and talks about the possible reasons a Chinese may feel a certain way or carry a particular bias. And since Lin Yutang studied and lived abroad, he also compares it to the western view as well. Tying it all together, he does of course interject his own opinions, which are all expressed in a non-intimidating way.

Lin Seems like the kind of philosopher who could passionately express an opinion about something in a way that still allows people to feel comfortable with debating it or disagreeing. Which is something hard to come by with many opinionated peoples.

Even the way he opens with his preface sets the tone, and allows the reader to relax and not take him too seriously:

"This is a personal testimony, a testimony of my own experience of thought and life. It's not intended to be objective, and makes no claim to establish eternal truths. In fact I rather despise claims to objectivity in philosophy ; the point of view is the thing."

"I am not original"

"I am not well read. If one is too well-read, then on does not know right is right and wrong is wrong."

He prints a few good quotes before the book begins too.....
"only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely" - Chang Ch'Ao

"It is not truth that make man great, it is man that makes truth great" - Confucius

Being that I live in Taiwan, and am from the states, this book is maybe... extra interesting to me.
I feel like I'm getting good insight in a casual way. Its as if me and Yin are hanging out at his home, having a beer, while he talks about things. Its great.

So...... my point here is this...

I plan on posting some of my fav passages from the book periodically. He says of lot things that I think are just brilliant and are worth sharing with everyone.... like this:

"While the graceful woman in foreign evening dress shines and charms in a way not even remotely dreamed of by the oriental costume makers, the average over-fed over-slept lady of forty who finds herself in the golden horseshoe at an opera premier is also one of the eye-sores invented by the west. The Chinese dress is kinder to them."

chinese new years resolutions 2010

2011-01-28T21:53:00.002+08:00

2010 was a difficult year.

It wasn't a bad year, it just brought with it new challenges, some expected, others not. Some challenges I knew would present themselves, and yet.... I foolishly tried to avoid them.

Yes, it was filled with adventure and exciting new experiences, people, food, and fun. But it was no 2009. And letting go of the past......

2010 is the year of the Rabbit. I googled it, and got this. "The year of the Rabbit is a placid year, very much welcomed and needed after the ferocious year of the Tiger. We should go off to some quiet spot and lick our wounds and get some rest after all the battles of the pervious year." I agree.

2010 was about readjusting to a stationary life, one filled less with day to day whims and more day to day responsibilities and expectations.

2010 was less learning about myself through the contrast of different cultures, and more learning about those "other" cultures instead. ( "other" cultures meaning Taiwanese of course )

2010 was more about here, and less about over there. 2010 was about staying. 2010 was about "living the dream" but coming to terms with the stark realities.

While traveling I had adjusted to being alone, and learned to internalizing my thoughts. It was easy to sit back and feel like a simple observer. It was easy to leave when I felt like I had seen enough, or wanted a new view. But here in Taipei, it took a while for the idea that I wasn't moving on to a new place in a few weeks........ to really sink in. I found that I had a hard time moving relationships past the one to two day "field trip friendships" that are so common and frequent while traveling.

Living in Taipei was, and is a new journey, filled with new challenges, unexpected emotions, fascinating insights, and day to day nothings. ( traveling too has "day-to-day nothings" but you form less of a relationship with them, as opposed to when you have sufficient repetitions in your daily life to create an intimate bond with them. )

2010 felt like one long "first day at school". It was an amazing day, filled with introductions, but I'm looking forward to day two.

-----------------------------------
My Best and Worst of 2010
-----------------------------------

Worst of 2010:

The stealing of my little black bike with basket.

Haircuts.

slow-walkers: I think you must be a foreigner, living here to know what Im talking about.

Playing "chicken" in shallow water at the beach: Resulted in a back injury that has taken a year to heal, still flares up and will no doubt.... haunt me.

August heat: For christs-sakes man... what are you trying to KILL me?? Oh... and I've never sweated so much in my life. Its amazing how you learn to deal with the constant layer of moisture covering your body.

Tension in my hands: I realized that through my travels I picked up an odd habit of clenching my fists. I think it was a result of the kind of stress you experience traveling in counties like India and Vietnam.
I've had to really concentrate on relaxing my hands, and breaking the habit.

Speaking Chinese: I put this here because, after a year of being here, its disappointing how shitty my Chinese still is, and how hard it is to learn.

Re-succuming to consumerism: a year of backpacking does an amazing job at showing you how little you really need to live a happy life. And teaches you how ridiculous all that excess baggage is.
Of course... Input-output, and what surrounds you will assimilate you, eventually and definitely.
( and let it be known that I'm not in fact anti-consumerism, I love to consume. But I feel its crucial to keep it all in perspective, and realize the meaninglessness of most of what surrounds us. )

Winter: Ok... so there's no snow here, and the temperature rarely falls far below 40 or 50 degs... however, the humidity and the lack of heaters anywhere goes a long way toward creating general misery. I've had nights where I just went to bed wearing all 10 layers I had on that day.

Making the decision on whether to go back to the states or stay here: The hardest, most drawn out decision process of my life. I even made bad decisions on how to make the decision. People always wish time would slow down, but Im sure glad that one is behind me.

Best of 2010:

Mandarin Institue at Shida: This was where my life started in Taipei, And where I met many of my friends.

Hotpot: The most fun way to eat foods ever, even though whenever I eat you I feel like I've consumed enough food for an entire year, and smell like you for days...

My little black bike with basket: You were far from the best looking bike around town, but you were mine. And you showed me the neighborhood in your own special way.

The Riverside bike ride: You were my first great adventure in the city, and still one of the best.

Okinawa, Japan: Hitching-yes. Big fish in big bowls-yes. White guys living on secluded islands like castaways-yes.

Taco bar: my first real taco in about a year.

Rock Climbing: glad to finally meet you.

Yangmingshan hotsprings: An amazing place, that I hope never changes.

Stinky Tofu: Yes it stinks and taste like shit the first time you try it. But the second and third...... thats when the seeds of love begin to sprout in your taste buds.

Tea Eggs: Simply the best way I could image to cook an egg. A signature smell throughout Taiwan.

The flour fight: The most fun wasting of food ever. And ironically ( because of the photos ) the day I decided to make eating more food part of my routine again.

Beaches in Taiwan: Amazing, although a bit warm.

Froyo & Mango Ice: the best ways to beat the summer heat.

Air Conditioning: AC is actually the best way to beat the summer heat. I never knew how important of an invention you were till last August.

Stores blasting AC: This should be one of the worst.. but I put it here because it's interesting enough to me to have been a sort of highlight. See.... Many retail stores here have no doors... or "front parts" to their stores. Basically the front is completely open, AND they BLAST so much AC that it actually cools down the whole outside area. Its a disgusting waste of energy.

Scooter: you opened up a whole new world to me. And... even though you are a mere 125cc and could never live up to my 995cc Triumph sprint..... you are agile... and that's important here.

Skype.

Scooter Rides in Yangmingshan: ( not possible previous to owning a scooter )

Speaking Chinese: Yes, one of the best as well..... its unspeakably rewarding to have Chinese people praise your shitty Mandarin.

Uniqlo: finally a store thats like NET, but.... not NET.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways: What a great book. Reminds me of the proper way to make decisions and is a great guide for staying positive in a negative world.

---------------------------------
photos from 2010
---------------------------------

see 'em here. Not necessarily the "best" photos I took,
Just the ones that represent the best memories.

----------------------------------
My New Years Resolutions
----------------------------------

Continue to improve my chinese.

Meet and make friends with old people.

work on not trying to control the outcome.

get a haircut.

Do more yoga.

Try not to buy plastic bottles of beverages from 7-11... ( even though I do think they impart a special flavor that's hard to resist. )

------------------------------------------------------------
2010's most memorable people in my Taipei life:
------------------------------------------------------------
Not meant to minimize the importance of all the other friends
I have here or anywhere. its just my way of pointing out who seems
to pop in my head the most when thinking of last year.
Janice crow, Albert Hou, Chrissy Shaw, Amanda Whitworth, Ashley Cheng, Sabrina Wang, Wei-chi Yu, lindsey Cruver, Hannah Rothblatt, Christian Sorace

------------------------------------------------------------

Big Thanks!

------------------------------------------------------------

My Parents: for not dis-owing me!
Aunt Heidi: for your subtle wisdom
WorldShare Ad agency: Thanks for giving me an opportunity to work with you.
getchee: Looking forward to a year of great projects!

NO thanks...
Friends who havent visited me yet.
HA! just joking...
but not really...

Hey!
現年快樂！

have a happy new year... China... US... or where ever you are in the world.

Flower Tour: Red House, MoCa and others...

2011-01-10T18:10:00.000+08:00

Well....

I have to say.... last Saturday was an extraordinary day.

I had planned to wake up early and go hike somewhere, but changed my mind, and decided to hit up a few places on the Flower Map. More out of a sense of obligation then of adventure.

I hopped on the scooter and headed to the Red House in Ximending.

I've been here before. When I first arrived in Taipei I stayed at the Taipei backpacker hostel, which is very near to it, so naturally its one of the first places you wander into. The Red house is a very interesting historical building, famous for its octagonal shape, it's Japanese history and interesting array of artifacts inside, (all housed in tiny little "peep squares" giving them a stage of their own.... my favorite is the old typewriter. I also loved their great selection of stamps. ( for your journal or whatnot ))

The Red house has a great little gift shop if you're looking for something unique and artistic to send back home, or keep for yourself. I bought myself some postcards and a cool mug. There is also a bunch of boutiques attached to the building, and every now and then they host very cool outdoors craft/art bazaar things...... sometimes even with live music. Its worth a visit for sure.

After the red house I went to the MoCa art museum in Zhongshan. I've been here many times before as well, but they change their exhibits regularly, and they are almost always amazing. ( plus I needed the stamp for my map )

On exhibit right now is a show of works by Taiwanese artist Ni Tsai Chin called Mediaholic. Its an anthology of his works which go back 30 years or so and tend to address his political, social and media views. His most famous work "who is the happiest" It's one of the most interesting of course, since it's pretty much a gang-bang and has been recreated by Chin in various forms and mediums. By favorite is the anime one, probably because its the most pornographic. The piece is meant to have a political message however, and the title "who is the happiest" really does make you think about each person in the pile, and think....

Overall it wasn't the best show I've ever seen at the MoCa, but I did really like the side exhibit.... by.... I don't even remember the artist, but it was like walking into a hip version of an Ikea set.

After that I went to Spot Theatre, which also has an amazing gift shop, and I discovered that they have a horror film fest going on called "Generation Horror". I'm not a huge fan of horror films, but they had some trailers on display there, and some look really interesting. So I plan on seeing at least a few of them.

I also swung by the Tsai Jiu Yueh dance center ( since its near, and on the Flower map).

The building is cool, but its about the least interesting of the places I visited so far. Basically its a tiny dance studio with a much larger cafe that seems to be trying hard to be very "bourgeois". I was told to get off the grass and not to take photos of the dance studio ( which was boring looking and empty anyways. ) So I got my stamp and left.

I probably should have called it a day, but I went toWistaria tea house as well. And I'm glad I did. It's one of the most famous tea houses in Taipei, and has a long and interesting history. The atmosphere feels historic and authentic, like you're having tea in a museum, but the woman who greeted me were the best part. Not only were they beautiful but they were very friendly as well. In an genuine way, and that makes all the difference.

There is a small gallery at Wistaria as well, and I was lucky enough to see a great exhibit byDaniel Castelaz, but even luckier that he was there in person discussing his work and answering questions. Daniel was instantly one of those people that I like. He was so naturally friendly and candid about his work. My favorite is a series of colored pencil drawings he has done, which look like they took an outrageous amount of time to do, despite their deceiving appearance of simplicity. They are amazing, and if I could afford it, I would hang one on my wall.

Tired.

Went home and made this awesome grilled cheese sandwich.

( with pepper-jack and cheddar cheese on cracked pepper and whole wheat bread with walnuts)

I almost hated ending my night with this horror movie. ( at spot threatre ) But thats the way it had to be.

Finding Grass mountain artist village....

2011-01-03T09:00:00.006+08:00

So...

I made it to grass mountain artist village. And I have to say, I was a little disappointed.

I think this is mostly due to the fact that nothing was going on there at the time, and things seems to be under renovation. So maybe the place deserves another visit in the future.

The village consists of a series of studio house in which artists live while working on a project,

you can walk around and look at the houses, but most of them looked empty. There were a few that looked occupied, but nobody was home in one, the other actually had some people in it, but they seemed fairly disinterested in my presence.

There is also a theatre, which shows a variety of art films, but this was also under renovation.

To get there, I did get to do the Yangmingshan

scooter ride again, which is of course amazing.

And I did get my stamp, and that is all that really matters isn't it.

The Hunt for grass mountain Artist village...

2010-12-30T10:00:00.000+08:00

I had last monday off from work... so I set off to visit the Grass Mountain Artist Village in Yangmingshan....to get the stamp for my flower map...

What an amazingly beautiful day it was!

If you haven't had the opportunity to scooter ride through the hills of Yangmingshan on a beautifully sunny day.... then you need to try and figure out how to make it happen. ASAP.

It's amazing.

I scooted up to the entrance area of Yangmingshan park, then stopped to take some photos and walk around a cool hotsprings park area.... filled with amazing looking moss.

I then continued up through the hills till I came to a large guesser/ sulfur thing that is apparently very famous here... called Siaoyoukeng.

And hiked to the top of it using the trail that starts near the bottom...

Beautiful! so much steam!

After that I just kept riding.... a bit lost actually. I eventually found the Artist village, but it was closed ( mondays and tuesdays ) so... no stamp.

But it give me another excuse to go on this epic ride, so its fine by me.

Later that night I met up with my friends Christian and Val for some equally amazing ginger duck hotpot! 真的好吃！

You can check out the pics I took on this day, click here.

The flower map tour

2010-12-26T11:05:00.004+08:00

Me and my friend Sabrina were out wandering around the Taipei Cinema park in Ximending area where we came across this "cool arts spots" map. The ideas is that you visit each place, while collecting the stamps along the way! Its designed in connection with the International flower expo that's currently going on.... which each stamp being a different flower.

My plan is to hit up each spot, get them stamps, take some pics, and write a quick note a bout it.

We picked up the map at the Taipei Cinema Park, so I already have that stamp.

It's a cool place to visit if you get a chance.. here's a google map of the location. I'll also be pinning all the spots on this map as I visit them.

View The Flower map tour in a larger map

We also stopped by The Lin Yutang house, which is the beautiful home of one of Taiwan most famous writers.
If you're headed up to do some hiking in Yangmingshan its a quick and easy stop on the way. I've also listed this on my Flower map, so you can figure out how to get there.

I'm pretty sure it'll take months an months for me to hit up all the spots... but it should be fun since I've never been to about 90% of what's on the map...
Oh and if you look to the right on my sidebar I've also embedded the flower map there...

Deciding to stay.

2010-12-25T15:07:00.004+08:00

My decision on whether to stay in Taiwan or go back to the states was a long and difficult process for me. It took over 6 months to make. Ironically ( or horrifically ) that's more then half of the total time I've spent here so far.

When I first arrived in Taipei I had clear direction.

My plan was to study Chinese for a few semesters ( giving me a solid base from which I could easily become fluent.... in no time at all... ) then try to find a job either here in Taiwan or in mainland China, simply for the experience of living and working abroad in Asia. I just believed there could be some sort of value in this for me.

Soon after I finished my first semester I started to lose that "clear" direction.

With three months of intensive mandarin classes under my belt, I could barely communicate with even the smallest of impaired children, and was forgetting what I did know faster then I could figure out how to order a bowl of 雞肉麵。 Learning a language was much harder then I had expected, and I realized that it could take years. ( yes I was a little naive )

"I hadn't fully applied myself. I should have studied harder. I shouldn't have spent so much time with other English speaking friends. I should have gone out less."
The feelings of regret and disappointment in myself began to creep in again.

I also realized that I couldn't afford a second semester. Life in Taipei was siphoning my savings, so the job hunt needed to begin sooner then I had wanted, or expected, and I was afraid.

"Could I really find something? If I don't find something, I'll have to go home. Live with the parents. I'll be broke. I'll have failed. What will my friends think? They'll realized how foolish my adventure was and what a waste of money it has been"
I couldn't escape an encroaching sense of doom.

More out of desperation, then of courage, I put forth an effort.

...and I found a job.

A small boutique agency took me in on a two month contract and my work began.

Here I started work at 10am, and routinely left after 10pm. Just enough time time to catch the last 45minute-traffic clogged-bus-ride home. Everyday I was tired. The pay was about a 1/4 less then I would expect to receive back home, and yet my expenses were almost the same.

It was hard to see the benefit. It was hard to see the point.

It was hard to appreciate the great opportunity I had been given.

As my contract came to an end I seriously thought I should go home.

I was so frustrated. I was unhappy about everything. I couldn't speak Chinese, I couldn't meet any locals, I couldn't afford all the new clothes I wanted, I couldn't get home at a normal hour, I couldn't, I couldn't. I felt adrift, and completely unfocused.

I was suddenly offered a three month contract by another, very different company.

But by this time I had virtually convinced myself I should go home. I had one foot on the plane, and was confused about what to do and scared about making the wrong decision for my future.

I couldn't sleep. So reached out to friends and family to help with my decision.

I felt I couldn't do it on my own. I sent emails, I made phone calls, I stressed about how stressed I was. The feedback was varied, and while I appreciated all the advice I was given, it all generally revolved around the same theme......

"Do what you really want to do."

This is hard to hear. Although you know that inevitable you will.... do what you really want...... it's impossible not to feel unsatisfied with this advice, and a bit annoyed. After all, isn't this the reason people ask for advice in the first place? Because they can't sort out what it is they really want to do?

I am thankful though that I have such wonderful friends who are willing to give me their time and advice so freely.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

"stay in Taiwan and have Taiwan fun.
What's money? Has it ever made anyone happy? - M

"Money isn't everything - but I think a strong career path is of the utmost importance. We are not rich so having trust funds and pissing around on daddy's yacht isn't a reality." -X

"I'm living in Sydney and teaching Typography one day a week at uni. It's enough to pay my rent and food, and if I take another day's teaching it's enough to save. I spend the rest of the week in my veggie garden, or studying Chinese, or watching David Attenborough documentaries," -C

"I happen to disagree that you can't live the dream. Of course you can. The road is sometimes challenging but remember you always make the choices at every point. Life is too short to do things that you don't love, that don't make you happy " -M

"Think about this statement...not every culture fits....I think "The States" is your culture, Asians are quiet and self reserved, you need to challenge yourself mentally, a more comfortable, finanically stable, opportunity. Just thoughts." - A

"1. Ask heart, "Heart, where would I really rather be?" - M

"Good luck! Try not to stress too much about it...and, as always, make sure you are having some fun over there ; ) " - E

"I know it's hard, but when you think about the right decision you should start to feel a sense of relief. Like the ton of weight just lifted from your shoulders. It's a great feeling of excitement! When you feel that, you should know that is the right decision. Works for me at least." - J

I then made a list of what I felt were the positives and negatives of staying.

But it didn't help like I thought it was suppose to. And I still didn't why.

////////////

By chance, me and my friend happened on a great little used bookstore over by Longshang temple one day, and I found a used copy of Susan Jeffers book Feel the Fear And Do It Anyways
I'm a real sucker for self help books, so I bought it. ( it was also only $1)

It turned out to be just what I needed. And since this is my blog and I can make this post as lengthy as I see fit...... I'm going to share some of the chapter: "How to make a N0-Lose decision.

HOW TO MAKE A NO LOSE DECISION
One of the biggest fears that keeps us from moving ahead with our lives is our difficulty in making decisions. The problem is that we have been taught "Be careful!" You might make the wrong decision!" A wrong decision! Just the sound of that can bring terror to our hearts. We are afraid that the wrong decision will deprive us of something.... money, friends, lovers, status, or whatever the right decision is supposed to bring us.
Closely tied to this is our panic over making mistakes. For some reason we feel we should be perfect, and forget that we learn through our mistakes. Our need to be perfect and our need to control the outcome of events work together to keep us petrified when we think about making a change or attempting a new challenge.
Suppose you are at a choice point in life. If you are like most of us, you have been taught to use the No-Win model as you think about decisions to be made. The model looks like this:
Your heart feels heavy about the choice you have to make. You feel somewhat paralyzed as you think about the consequences in life and death terms. You stand at the threshold of the decsion, lamenting and obsessing: :should I do this or should I do that? What if I go this way and that happens? What if it doesn't work out? You look at the unknown and try to predict the future; you try to take control of outside forces. Both are impossible At this point you notice you are driving yourself crazy.

I WAS in fact driving myself completely crazy inside, only just barely maintaing my outer appearance of normality! I completely connected with what was being said here as it reflected exacting what I was doing at this point in my life! At this point I was already sold! Tell me Susan... Tell me! It's amazing how once you feel someone understands your situation ( which you feel is unique of course ) you will totally trust them.

After the decision is made, the No-Win model makes you constantly reassess the situation, hoping you didn't make a mistake. You keep looking back and berating yourself with 'If only I had...." You waste valuable energy and make yourself miserable.
But there is another way.... the No-Lose model.
Notice that what lies ahead are simply two paths- A and B - both of which are right! Each path has nothing but "goodies" along the way.

Although I got her point, the word "goodies" made me a bit queasy. I mean... who says that?

And what are these goodies? They are opportunities to experience life in a new way, to learn and grow, to find out who you are and who you would really like to be and what you would like to do in this life. Each path is strewn with opportunities ... Despite the outcome.

Susan continues to elaborate on her model including addressing peoples initial resistance or skepticism. This chapter, for me was what I needed to hear, but the whole book is a great, and does a good job of addressing why and how we let fear and negativity drive our decisions in life, and ways we can get away from that. I recommend it.

I realized a couple of things.

1. I really did want to stay in Taiwan, but was looking at all the negatives of the decision like in the "no-win model" I was spending all my time trying to make a decsion based on avoiding risk, without focusing more on the positives or benefits of each choice and making one based on them.
2. I wanted support from someone who I respected, felt was successful, and who would be more or less unbiased about the path I chose. ( I felt that it was difficult for most of my family and friends to give me unbiased advice. )

The book helped me focus on the fact that each choice would be great. I would be happy with either, I'd just be getting a different amazing experience. This made me more comfortable with the reality that I wanted to stay in Taiwan. I didn't need to see going home as a bad choice in order to validate my decision to stay, and fill myself with negativity. Going home is a great choice, and so is staying.

I got the support I needed from my Aunt, who simply let me feel comfortable with the idea of staying, by pointing out the benefits and not making me feel guilty about it in any way. It's also nice to feel that someone could probably care less about whatever decision you make.

That's when I made the decision to stay.

And like my friend Jay said.... I felt like a huge, 6-month long burden was lifted off my shoulders. I could suddenly go back to enjoying the fact that I was here, now.

I'm here, now.
And where things currently stand are like this:

-I like my job, it provides me with interesting opportunities to grow and learn.
-I'm slowly improving my Mandarin. Very slowly yes, but it's still movement.
-I love exploring Taiwan, there is still so much to see and do here, it's amazing.

I apologize to those back home who's trust and friendship I abused with my wishy-washy months. I'll do better next time.

I also hope everyone back home realizes that my decision to stay doesn't diminish how much I really miss and love you all. I'm choosing to see it as another one or two years to come over and visit me in this amazing country and have an experience you will never forget.

Love,
Chris!

Input, output?

2010-11-08T09:28:00.002+08:00

Input output.

I'm not sure when I first heard this phrase ( if it can be called that ) I'm going to assume it was around the time I started wanting to buy my own music. ( or... actually.... wanting my parents to buy me music. )

My parents approved or disapproved everything I wanted to listen to. There was a strict criteria to adhere to.

Generally, it had to be purchased at the "christian book-store". If you call yourself a christian, then you probably know exactly what this place is. If you've never heard of a "christian book-store" well... then...... you're probably not a very good christian.

You should know:

The christian book store is or was much more then a book store, and how exactly it got this name, I do not know. ( maybe they dont even call it this anymore? )

Inside of a christian book store, is of course, books. Christian books. But the christian book store also carries just about anything else a devout and earnest christian would want to purchase for his or her christian lifestyle. This includes but is certainly not limited to christian books, christian movies, christian gifts, christian games, christian home supplies, christian church supplies, christian clothing, christian foods and snacks, christian video games, christian software products, and even christian personal care products ( yes... there are christian band-aids to aid in gods healing of wounds )

..... and of course... christian music.

The christian music section is where all my music was required to come from. And so it did.

Because, as my parents saw it, input = output. And they were right.

Now I listen to music in order to re-inforce or modify my mood. It's amazing how powerful it can be. Want to be happy. Listen to happy music. Want to be sad, listen to sad music.

My girlfriend told me about an article she had read in a health magazine that talked about how loneliness was contagious. It seems that our subconscious secretly absorbs the subtle gestures and tones of those around us, and then tries to emulate them through our moods and personalities.

She made another interesting comment.

There can and will be people who you just don't understand. You don't understand why or how they can make certain kinds of decisions, or act in certain ways. If you wake up one day to find yourself one of these people, you still won't understand.

I can't remember the day it was when I realized that living in asia had some dramatic effect on me. I can barely identify what those effects might be though, because I'm not exactly sure how I used to be before.

The last time I flew to Hong Kong for a visa renewal I stayed at the Mount Davis youth hostel. A great place to stay if you find yourself in Hong Kong and you're on a budget. Its a bit out of town. But it has great views.

While I was there I met a Canadian guy and an American girl who had just arrived in Asia. I was immediately overwhelmed with how intensely loud and flamboyantly expressive they both were, but.... I had this strange suspicion that I might have been a lot like them just a year or so ago. I just couldn't quite remember.

After returning to Taipei, I started to think a lot about how my personality might have been modified, and what it might be.

I've tried to make lists of the possible difference in my head but the bullet points escape me.

I'm aware that there has been some change. All the input from vastly different cultures and attitudes I've exposed myself to have definitely had an effect on me, I just didn't know it was happening because the whole time I was focused on trying to understand what was going on around me.

I sometimes wonder if I'm outputting yet.

so what have I been up to?

2010-10-14T11:19:00.000+08:00

now Im old?

2010-08-09T14:55:00.000+08:00

My birthday was on Aug 9th, almost a month ago already, but as you'll learn later.... it's never too late. ( Im assuming that applies to posting blog posts about your month old birthday )

I turned 33 this year and yet, I don't feel any older then 26,er....maybe..... 28.

When people guess my age, it's around the 26-28 range as well. This is supposed to be a good thing, but it worries me. I'm afraid to wash my face with soap now. I'm scared that some fragile layer of false youth might finally crumble away.

A few years ago I was visiting with a friend at his fathers house. We were all sitting in the living room chatting, and at some point his father mentioned that he was 74. I was a bit surprised at this. 74 seems so old and yet, I never would have guessed that this was his age. He said he didn't feel old, so I asked him how old he felt. He said "In my head, I still feel like I'm 25. But when I look in the mirror I can't recognize myself anymore. I just see some strange old guy looking back at me. But this guy isn't me."

Sometimes I don't think I look much older then 28 either, but then again maybe my vision isn't quite what it used to be, and I'm trying not to look into mirrors as much these days. I don't want to see it happen.

I think 33 has a nice "ring" to it. I like that it's a double number, and think there must be something auspicious about any double-number age.

11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 66, 77, 88, 99..... you only get so many, and anything you only get so many of in life must be special.

My 11th birthday I don't completely remember. I image it was nice though, with a cake and candles and presents and singing of "happy birthday" and stuff. But..... I'm almost certain this is the year that my father bought me the Pentex K1000 kit. A silver body film SLR that came with a nice camera bag and a cleaning kit. It was a very special gift and it impacted me. There weren't loads of other 11 year olds running around with SLR's at that time.

I visited the local camera shop a lot that year, mostly to stare at all the "special effects" lenses you could buy, and dreaming of the neat things I could do with them. I only ever ponied up the cash for one, but it was the BEST one..... the Star filter. Of all the filters available, this one was a must have. It makes the biggest impact because it makes all your pics look like a dream. Everyone loves a dream, so.... everyone loves the Star filter.

My 22nd birthday I had while living in Traverse City Michigan. My girlfriend at the time threw me a kick-ass Keg-party. All my friends were there, and we all got very drunk. This would have been a stellar night had I not been such a terrible human being at the time.

At some point during the night I saw what I imagined was a friend trying to kiss my girlfriend. I got pissed and overacted in a way that embarrasses me enough not to write about it here. Lets just say it wasn't right, and I was nobody to judge anybody. Later that same night I was punched in the head by some drunk passer-by. I probably deserved it.

I never really thought about my age too much, but I suppose it naturally increases with your number. Turning 30 seems to be a big one for most people. You leave behind your 20's and are supposed to finally be somewhat settled in life. Most people dread turning 30 because the 20's are apparently where it's at.

When I turned 30 I embraced it, cause really.... what other choice do we have?

If something is going to happen, and we have no control.... we might as well.

When I turned 31, I ignored it, or tried. 31 is still 30.... just with that little one on the end.

When I turned 32 I was on the road... in India, and didn't really have time to think about it. There were more interesting things going on around me..... then me. Besides, nobody knew me all that well, so they didn't remind me.

33.

Honestly, I tried to ignore this one too. Then I thought... no... embrace it, like you did 30.

Then I thought. Who cares. Don't do either. Just let it happen. And it did. Weird.

My take on age is usually the "age ain't nothin' but a number" thing. It bothers me that so many of us, as we get older start to focus on our number and let that limit us to a specific set of things we can and cannot do. It's hard to resist.

"In the book, On Women Turning Forty, Judy Phillips, a successful realtor talks about her grandmother: "Magrew is ninety-two years old...She reads constantly, took up violin five years ago, and is physically active. Magrew went into real estate in her fifties and became a broker in her sixties with seven or eight people working for her."

Margrew took up violin five years ago? At 87? So 88 was probably pretty special I guess.

That's inspirational, and reminds me of how much time we all have to start doing the things we want to do with our lives.

Just for fun I googled "things that are good about getting older"

Here's what I got:

10 good things about getting older - by Om Paramapoonya

1. Think about how many skills you have developed, how much knowledge you have gained over the years

This is true, I know a lot more. But I mostly know more about how much more I don't really know. hmm....

2. Every year you become a little richer in friends

This isn't always true I suppose. My facebook tells me I have 452 friends, and yet I currently feel like I have less access to good friends then I did a year ago.

3. You are more at peace with yourself

Hmm... not really true either. I know more about what I can expect from myself. My moods, my attitudes, the way I'll probably do or not do things. I know more about what I'm good at and what I'm not good at, my faults and my shortcomings, but I wouldn't say Im more at peace. ( perhaps this is meant for when you're turning 66 )

4. You are smarter, sharper and stronger

a) ok, I'm smarter. But I think I actually do more stupid things because I'm smart enough to convince myself that they aren't stupid.

b) Sharper? What does that mean? I'm not wearing suits yet if that's what it's implying.

c) Dude. I was ripped in college. I worked out everyday, played racquetball 3 times a week, rode a bike to school. Snowboarded, ran, and climbed trees just to get a better view. Now It's hard to squeeze in a mere 10 minute walk from my 10 hour chair sitting spree's at work. Not getting stronger.

5. Sex is hotter

Yes. True. Yes. of course.

6. More people turn to you for advice

Yes this is true too, but is this a good thing? You really just have more opportunity to screw up other peoples live.

7. You are luckier than a lot of people to still be alive!

True-ish. although, I can't imagine that the dead people care that much anymore. If you're going to heaven.... then well.... you're probably riding around nude on your flying tiger, picking passion fruits to take back to your golden mansion. Way more lucky. If you're an atheist then you can't care, cause you don't exist anymore anyways.

8. You have more stories to share with the world

True. Perhaps too many....

9. It's never too late

Ok... um.... yes.

10. Every moment of your life is a rebirth

ok this sounds nice...Whatever.

Well...... Turning 33 is just great then.

I feel young. I look young. I'm optimistic.

Its a double number and I have 10 things I can be happy about!

Oh... I almost forgot to mention what I did on my 33rd birthday......

On the day of my birthday I went home after work. Made a quick meal then went out and got some ice cream by myself. ( I immediately regretted this because I'm worried about getting cavities, and my teeth are really sensitive these days....also... what grow man goes and gets himself ice cream cones at 10 o-clock...???? )

My back has been hurting more, so I took some painkillers for that and what I think is the beginning stages of arthritis in my hands, and I went to bed.

HA!

What I really wanted....

2010-05-29T02:56:00.000+08:00

The last time I went in for a haircut,

was while I was in China, about 4 months ago.

My friends didn't necessarily seem to mind the way my hair had grown into a shaggy-unemployed-beach-bum-doo....... or at least they pretended not to. But the guy looking back at me while I brushed my teeth in the morning had started to scare me. Would I employ this hippy? Does he look capable of anything other then lounging in a hammock all day while contemplating his next beverage ...?

Perhaps all the gazing eyes in the night market were less out of adoration then I had originally hoped. I knew it was time.

Back home in the states, finding a place I'm comfortable getting my hairs cut can be a bit of a challenge. Here in Taipei it feels daunting.

It's not just that I'm picky and expect a high quality cut that is done precisely as I'd wanted to envision, but I'm cheap too, and those two have always hated hanging out with each other. And there's that pesky language barrier thing too.

I set out on a hunt around my neighborhood, which is conveniently stuffed with trendy looking salons. Most are packed with girls who look like they belong on the shelves of a fancy toy store. A lot of ribbons and bows.

Eventually I took a big breath and walked into a one of them. It had a small, hip feel to it. Not too pretentious looking, very relaxed. There weren't too many people there either.

Actually, there was like... nobody there. Except for a receptionist. There wasn't even a stylist on hand who could cut me. So I made an appointment ( that I didn't necessarily plan on keeping ) for the next day.

My neighbor, a young mother with THE cutest three year old daughter....

Hang on...let me break here and talk about HOW cute this girl is.

She's SO cute. I love her. Just the sight of her little black squinty eyes makes me almost want to retract any of the nonsense I said before about not wanting kids. If I could produce something like this. I would. Tomorrow.

The neighborhood I live in is called the Shida night market, and along with the salons the place is filled with boutiques and restaurants as well as a glut of delicious street food and snacks. It's noisy. It's busy everyday of the week. On the weekends, prepare to feel bodies crushing you from all sides. It's Bustling, to say the least.

In the evenings, my neighbor sets up a modest kids clothing stall outside the door to our building. I always say hi and ask her how sales are going. She in turn always half smiles while trying to appear positive. This night market attracts young college students who do love small clothing, but.... there are some limitations. Toddler size is just too small.

After returning from the hunt I told her about my hair-cutting desires ( meaning... I said in chinese "I want cut hair" while pretending to cut my own hair with my fingers. ) and she was suddenly dragging me through the crowed market, darting down a narrow alley then up some stairs into a tiny, yet still reasonable hip salon. Her and the feminine looking male stylist shared some lively banter while occasionally looking in my general direction and laughing, after which my neighbor gave me a "good-luck" pat on the shoulder and exited.

Here's what I wanted to have happen:

My hair to remain in the "long" category.

A bit of a "Fix up"

A slight trim

A touch up.

De-puffing.

De-snaggling.

Added texture.

Fixed up bangs.

Back of my neck and sideburns cleaned up.

Me, Made presentable.

Here's what I said in Chinese:

我覺得我的頭髮很大，我要你肩窩得頭髮一點小。

( I feel my hair is very big, I want you to cut my hair a little small. )

Here's what I got:

I dropped what I said in China speak into google translate just to see, and here's what IT gave me...

"I think my hair great, I want you to cut me have hair a little."

hmmm.....

I'd like to think I was a little bit closer then that, but I don't really know.

That's the thing about communication right?

When I speak, in whatever language I use, I can never know exactly what the other person is really hearing. I can never know what meaning they will take away from my words. What I get in exchange might not be quite what I had hoped for.

During the four months I've been in Taiwan I've been guilty of some bad communication in both Chinese, and English, and have paid the price. The only good thing about it all is the lessons I get to keep re-learning.

Like:

>Find a way to say what you really mean so that the other person hears what you mean to say. Or risk the unexpected.

>If you can't explain how you want your hair cut, take a photo.

It's always hard to see beyond just not getting what you want, and see that things aren't ever as bad as you think they are. Sometimes the unexpected is interesting. After all.....the hair will grow back won't it?

what a friday looks like now.....

2010-04-17T12:45:00.000+08:00

For a while there, Friday fell out of favor.

It wasn't so special.

I could do the same thing on a Wednesday, or a Thursday, or even a Sunday.

Thanks to being back in a world filled with responsibilities and *deadlines,

Friday is the favorite day again.

Here's how mine went this week.....

I woke up, and did an hour of yoga using this great free yoga video site

I took a shower.

I made some green tea with this kettle that my roommate brought over.

I started to study.

I killed some bugs.

( its worth mentioning that I'm currently at war with fruit flies. They seem to have constructed a cloning factory somewhere near or possible inside of my home. There is no garbage. The compost is kept in the freezer. The dishes are washed. Food is not left out. And yet. They continue to exist. )

( however.... if you've never used one of these electric swatter things to kill flying bugs.... then you are missing out big time. )

I made an egg sandwich and washed the dishes.

I posted a pic to whatilooklik

I brushed my teeth.

I wrote a story in Chinese. ( about my apartment. )

I scrubbed the shit out of my fridge.

( I noticed that there was quite of bit of crap on it, and thought the flies could even be using this as nourishment. )

I reviewed.

I looked at this map of Taiwan, and thought about other places.

I pooped.

I packed my bag.

I walked down this street.

Went to this cafeteria to eat.

Ate. ( this delicious meal is only 60nt { which is $2 } )

Crossed this road to get to MTC.

Took this elevator up to the 8th floor.

Sat in this room and studied.

looked at these flash cards.

Sat in class.

took a picture of my classmates.

on break, I refilled my tea.

( on every floor here at my school they have these huge dispensers filled with freshly brewed hot green tea. Its awesome )

I finished my test and handed it in to 老師.

Took a moment to appreciate what makes friday special again.

Went home and put on some tunes.

Experienced slinky fail.

Me and my friend got some noodles next door. They forgot my noodles.

Walked through the market back to my apartment.

( This is the Shida night market, its right out side my door and it packed with people every night of the week. On friday and saturday though... its almost impossible to even walk through it. )

swept.

Got on this bus.

Went to this girls birthday dinner.

Played this game which involved counting.

( I pretended, but didn't really know what was going on. )

Went to this bar for birthday drinks, and sat in this booth.

This started happening.

I remember that I may have left the stove on in my apartment and need to go home.

The end.

.... good timing...

2010-04-03T23:36:00.001+08:00

As I lay in bed I suddenly hear my fathers voice.

"How are your teeth Chris? Have you been flossing? Brushing regularly? Your teeth are very important, and you should take care of them."

I throw back my sheets and head for the bathroom. My teeth feel so dirty.

My father has always been the kind of guy who enjoys sharing advice, reminders and interesting facts. Facts who's data are meant to make you question your current forward momentum. Or backward....

Last year when I was juggling the "reasons-it's-an-awesome-idea" and "reasons-it's-stupid idea" to quit my job and travel for a year, I knew I could count on my father for some sound advice. He was the first person I called.

I can almost always count on my father for support, no matter what my wild idea might be. When I was in college, I used to joke with friends how I thought I could call up my dad and tell him I had decided to be a circus clown instead of a designer. I'd imagine him saying something like "well.... if that's what you think will make you happy Chris, then go for it. You know, you'd probably get to meet a lot of interesting people. It's going to be a lot of hard work though, and I'm not sure what clowns are making these days....and... is there any circuses near you?

My father saves the warnings, or discouragement for when he really feels it. There's simple reasoning behind it.

When I was little, we used to get spanked for our sins, but no wacks from the paint stick where ever brought forth before, or without my clear understanding of why I would receive them.

The dialogue would go something like this:

DAD: well Chris, I really really don't like doing this, it hurts me alot, but you're going to receive a spanking. You're getting 4 wacks, and here's what they are for. 1- you disobeyed your mother. 2- you then lied to your mother about it. 3- you lied to me about it. 4- this is the second time this has happened.

Do you understand?

ME: yes.

DAD: good. Turn around.

Sometime around 2004 a good friend of mine went off to travel for a while. When he came home, his stories were amazing, he was amazing. He was tan, had a hairstyle I had only just heard rumours of, and glowed from a new vibe that was incredibly cool and infectious. It was inspiring and I wanted it too. His plan was to leave again for more adventures, and he wanted me to come with. I was ready to do it. I would have bought my plane ticket the next day. I called my father and told him about it. During our first conversation he was supportive, he thought it sounded like an interesting thing to do.

...but he called me back the next day.

He was brief. He said that something just didn't feel right, and he thought I should think it over a bit more. So I did. And he was right. In 2004 I had just graduated college, landed my first shitty paying job and had no money. What I did have was lots of debt, a drive to succeed and enough sense to heed my fathers warning.

There is such a thing as good timing.

My teeth feel dirty because they are.

I forgot to brush them again today.

Thanks dad.

EVENTS:

my life currently revolves around studying Chinese. Monday through Friday I wake up early, study, go to class for 3 hours, eat, study till late, then go to sleep. Repeat. I get Saturdays off. I can read and write everything I can say at this point, which isn't much, but we're rocketing ahead. ( I am duct-taped to the rocket )

The hotspings here in Taipei are amazing / I've been doing yoga every morning / I missed out of Kings of Convenience who played here Friday night.

who put me here?

2010-03-21T09:40:00.000+08:00

When I consider... the small space I occupy

which I see swallowed up in the infinite immensity

of the spaces of which I know nothing, and which

know nothing of me. I take fright and am amazed

to see myself here rather then there.

There is no reason for me to be here rather then there.

Now rather then then. Who put me here?

Pascal.

When things finally come to an end...

2010-02-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

There's a dirty yellow backpack laying empty inside the closet of my new bedroom. It's contents have all been removed and sent to various locations around it's new home.

There's little possibility of them ever being reconnected.

The "Traveller pants" whose build up of dirt and grime came to represent some kind of "proof of life outside of life", have had all the grimey souvenirs pulled away by the washing machine.
It's amazing how much can be removed so fast.

The guidebook watches me from its dusty place on the bottom shelf as my fingers eagerly caress pages of exotic new books filled with languages that it can't learn how to speak.

I wonder if the sad lonely me in Kerala is a bit more lonely now as he gazes west across the Indian ocean, knowing that he can't gaze east with me. Standing back to back.... I suddenly feel taller, though I could have sworn we were the same height.

-------
In 2003 I decided to get my motorcycle license, so I signed up for the MSR course in Big Rapids Michigan. It's hosted by Ferris State University and highly recommended if you're ever looking to do the same. During one of the classroom lectures the instructor gave us what he considered to be one of the most important pieces of advice concerning riding motorcycles. She said, "Never look down, because if you do, that's where you'll go. Keep your eyes on the road ahead, and constantly scan the road in the distance, so you can see what's coming. Know that wherever your eyes are looking, is where your body will follow."
-----

Back in the US, my father has just recently purchased a house. After years of apartment-hoping it's nice to hear that he's finally found something, or some reason to settle down himself. He's been talking about it for years.

My mothers own house is determined to keep her around. It's not ready to let her go apparently. Despite the setbacks, she seems happy and sober. When we talk I can hear her making wishes.

My Sister has graduated from correctional boot-camp. She's stronger and she's been prepared for the battle that's been waiting for her here.

Here in Taipei I have an apartment. I have a night market outside filled with people who are hungry. I have a box of serial in the cupboard, soy-milk in the fridge. I have my own bedroom with a closet containing new clothes. I have a metro station within 3 minutes of my front door. I have towels hanging in the bathroom near the shelf that holds up my dental floss. I have my MacBook and Adobe suite and mighty mouse and facebook. I have a new teacher who doesn't take any shit. I have a growing stack of papers and mail and to-do lists. I have a bus to catch to another part of town. I have responsibilities and classes and schedules to keep. There's events to attend and not enough time. My shoes need replacing and the knot in my stomach is returning to it's rightful place. I'm downloading music, I'm browsing design blogs, I'm going to that show and I'm making new friends. I'm building an identity.

I think about my brother, and I know he thinks about me.

When people ask me what my favorite part of my trip has been, I always say India.

There's nothing like that place. It was amazing and crazy and ridiculous. Don't go there if you want a vacation. Do go there is you want to have your mind blown, or if you want your mind to bend your frail body into a shape of it's own choice. Do go there if you want to change.

India changed me the most. It did something to my head that I don't think I could ever reverse.

I generally look about the same, I act the same, and I do a lot of the same things. But I'm not the same.

Thailand had the best Food, and the best people. Loas had the best cheap liquor, and the best bus scenery. Vietnam had the best dust.

I look at the pictures I took and don't believe them. Is that me there? Doing those things? Did I appreciate those places, the way they derserved to be appreciated? That's the way it is with things in the past. Once our experiences are over, we wonder if they ever actually happened.

They're over there now, and I'm over here.

---

EVENTS:

Did KTV for the first time ever / My camera was stolen from a youth hostel here / Bought a great new pair of shoes / Went to the hotsprings with Ed and his girlfriend which was amazing, I'll be going back soon. / Went rock climbing with some friends up in longdong area / Found an apartment with two other guys who hate to take out the garbage ( but who are otherwise nice people ) It's a nice place near NTNU where my Mandarin course is. / Mandarin class is really really hard. 3 hours class time everyday with 4-7 hours homework per day. Its all I can do now. / eating lots of great food here in Taipei. I'm surrounded by it, everyday I have something new. / Got a great package from my friend Michael back home! / Bought a used bicycle that has a basket and a bell and a backseat and everything. I just need to get some cool reflectors for it. Or paint it or something.

waiting for the right words....

2010-02-05T20:55:00.001+08:00

I sat down to write my sister a letter last week. I had written one weeks before, but it was short and not the kind of letter a good brother should send to his sister. So I wrote another one. Something longer, something I thought might be more interesting. I threw in a bunch of post cards and random tidbits to make the package more bulky. Maybe she would like it more.

The last time I spoke to my sister was in June. A few weeks before I left for Mumbai.
From the other side of the window, I tried to say something wise and meaningful. I tried to say something new and different, something that would really inspire or encourage her. She was sobbing, which was to be expected, but I've always been afraid of losing her love and respect, which is why I tried hard not to cry myself. I don't think my sister has ever seen me cry.

I was afraid I would reveal how weak I really was. I was afraid I would reveal my disappointment.

My sister was born in Sitka Alaska, in 1987. Exactly 10 years after I was born. I've always liked that she was 10 years younger then me. 10 is a good number, and its curiously pleasant to have our ages run parallel to each others.

Her birth was considered a gift from god by my mother. After my brother was born, she had decided that she didn't want anymore children, so she had her tubes tied. Sometime later she changed her mind, and prayed that god would give her a baby girl. She had a surgery to reverse the irreversible, and a year later, god gave her the answer to her prayers.

She was a special baby, and received special attention from all of us. We all wanted to give her the love we always wanted to give.

Being a big brother is probably one of the better roles to play when it comes to kids. You get all the benefits of having a new child around,without any of the responsibility or work that goes into actually raising one.

I loved holding her. I loved looking at her. I loved thinking about how we'd be in the future.

When my sister was 3 she made me a figurine out of Popsicle sticks and toothpicks. The head was a picture of my own head that she had cut out of a photograph. I still have it.

When my sister was about 10 herself, I would pick her up from school in my recently acquired, and for-that-time-in-my-life fairly stylish Saturn sedan. I treated it a like a chore but I actually loved doing it, because she loved it, and I could tell. When I pulled up she would always be beaming, with a small group of giggly girls around waiting as witnesses. That was probably her favorite part. Me, just showing up. On the ride home I always made sure to put on some cool music, and act extra awesome for her, the way I imagined she imagined me. She would try to impress me back by rapping along, and slipping some naughty words into the stories she would tell me. "That teacher is a bitch" she would say as if she was angry, but the flash of a proud smile gave away her game.

I lost the ability to connect with my brother, and looked to renew it in my sister. At night we would go on walks together around the block, and have serious conversations. I really felt like we were getting to know each other. I felt like we would be close.

At this time, my mother had been taking night classes which were hours away at one of the only real options for the study of Physical Therapy at that time. It was a difficult commute to make, and not a very efficient way to go to school if she ever wanted to graduate. So she made a smart decision, and moved to Cheboygen to go full time. My sister went with her, which left me and my dad back in Traverse City. I suppose me and my father should have spent some time bonding. But I had a girlfriend and put most of my energy into that.

After my dad picked up and moved to Oshkosh, my mom and sister moved there as well to try and work things out. From then on I only saw my sister during special occasions, namely Thanksgiving and Christmas. I missed most of the big events in her life. We tried to keep in touch by writing letters and talking on the phone. But those things can never replace real relationships.

Years go by fast. I'm always looking toward the future, because the future is where tomorrow is. Today is already part of the past. But tomorrow can never be today.

Its not that I didn't want to write my sister this whole time. I've just been putting it off. I guess I was waiting for the perfect words or something typical. But perfection is a far away place, and I seem to have less and less ability to see the future.

She would have appreciated it sooner, but late is better then never. Instead of addressing it to "Inmate Hubbard #523255" I just sent it to my father. She'll be getting out in March anyways.

EVENTS:
Filled up the whole moleskin journal I'd been using for most of my trip, so I bought a new one for China with a picture of Mao on the cover / Climbed to the TV tower in Yangshuou with Max... who needs to get into better shape / Had some of the best stir fry ever too / bought some fancy new pens so I can change the colors in my journal.../ Lots of pagodas on hills around her... with lots of high school kids making out in them / rode a bike to some villages, some lady started speaking Chinese at me, I think she was saying something about a dragon / went out for some "cake" Just like in India the "cake" here is not Cake at all / me and Max practised Chinese with the girls at the hostel till they realized we were being dirty. / Was going to go to McD's for breakfast.. but missed it. Again. / Watched a Chinese movie from the 80's that was pretty much one long Coke commercial./ Caught some guy with his hands in my bag while walking down the street, he was about 2 seconds from the cash / Had to listen to a Chinese guy talk really loud all night on the train. He was wearing a huge cross./ Lots of homely looking white people adopting pretty Chinese babies / got a delicious jelly coffee with a telescopic straw / Apparently floss is also blocked in China / Went to the largest internet cafe in my life in Shenzhen... the place was like a warehouse.../ Chinese love gold, and like to build building with it too. / picked out some pork for my noodles that turned out to be strips of fat. / Had the Feather-hacky thing hit the states yet? if not... it will. Its like hacky sack but with a feather thing that makes it way easier to do. Its super fun. Find it today / bought the book "Whatever you think, think the opposite" by Paul Arden... the man in genius / received an acceptance letter to the National Taiwan Normal University / booked a ticket from Hong Kong to Taipei for the 16th of Feb /

In my dreams....

2010-01-30T22:53:00.001+08:00

( this is my first go at posting via email. Thanx China for getting me to try new things )

I've been reading an interesting book lately. Its called "Man and his symbols" by Carl Jung.

Of the books on offer at the Hanoi Backpackers frat hostel, it was the only one that seemed thick enough to put me into a deep sleep while dudebro's puked in the bathroom.

So far, the book has been discussing the significance of dreams, and their relationship to the individual. Heavy stuff. But ridiculously interesting. So It's had me thinking about my dreams.

When I was little I had two recurring dreams. Its been years since Ive had either of them, but I still think about them from time to time, and they still puzzle me.

The first one was of outerspace. And it was a scary dream.

I would see a large black expanse, dotted with stars. For a while the dream would be just that.... the blackness of outerspace, and the stars. Then slowly a figure would come into view. It was a man in a spacesuit, and he would slowly spin counterclockwise while drifting across my view. From right to left. And that's it. That's all that would happen. When I woke up in the morning,terrified, it always felt as if the dream had lasted all night. The only reason I remember being so frightened by the dream, was because I knew that the spaceman was dead.

Years later while working for a now-defunct dot-com I saw a windows screen-saver that was a virtual replica of my dream.

The second dream was most recurring dream and also the most frightening.

I would dream of tires. The kind that go on large automobiles. Industrial size. There was a whole sky of them, and they were all falling in super slow motion toward some vague empty bottom. I wouldn't call it the bottom, but at the place where the tires were falling to, was a needle. A very small, sharp, shiny needle. All the tires were slowly creeping toward this needle, and when one of the tires finally came near to the it, the dream would go into maximum slow motion. The closer the tire and the needle came to each other, the slower everything became, and the more intense my fear and anxiety grew, until at some point, I would feel something I can only describe as "metallic". I would either wake up at that point, or the dream would change. The tires and the needle never actually made contact.

I wish Carl was still alive so I could email him about these.

Most of the time my dreams seem very predictable. They just revolve around whatever it is I happen to be thinking about at that moment in my life. For example, I can't say I've had a whole lot of memorable dreams during my trip so far, but as soon as I started reading this book, about dreams, I started having them.

Most recently I had a very funky dream in which I was receiving an equally funky haircut. It was a very wild, very Asian looking haircut, and probably stems from my secret desire to have one. The day after, I got lost on my way to find some bubble tea and found myself suddenly in a salon trying to ask for directions. They only spoke Chinese at the salon, but I took it as a sign and decided to get a haircut. It was exciting because without any real communication, I was completely at their mercy. They were all young and funky, so I was hoping to be surprised. And I was. At how normal of a haircut it was. Nice, but very non-funky.

I also just had a dream about a great yellow belt. I found the belt in a market and bought it, and loved it. I believe this dream is actually symbolic, because in real life I bought a pair of jeans, that while snug around the ankles are a bit loose around the waist. So they're always a bit saggy. A nice yellow belt would be nice.

The reasonable side of me, would like to say that Carl is full of crap. Dreams are just dreams. But I have a romantic side too.... and I can't help but be intrigued by the idea that these things have deeper meaning. I've decided to start paying more attention to my dreams... trying to dig into their deeper meanings. I'm hoping I'll be having more great shopping trips and trims at the salon, but tires and spacemen are welcome too. I think.

---------------------------
"Don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
That's where the fruit is."
------------------------------------
--------------------------------

If I try.

2010-01-23T07:00:00.000+08:00

Despite the rain, the clouds and the cold. Despite the fact that I have a cocktail of flu, bronchitis, and a possible sinus infection. Despite the fact that I knew, in my condition, it would be difficult. And despite the fact that I wasn't sure if I really even wanted to, I decided to Climb the old stone steps of the jagged rock formation called "Solitary Beauty Peak".

In Vietnam I started second guessing my decision to come to China. The weather in Hanoi was shitty, and everyone I met coming down from the north had "one of those looks" on their faces when they told me how cold and crappy the weather was in China. The look says, "dude, I'm seriously serious". It was frightening. I imagined misery.

It's been sunny and warm ( if not blazing hot ) for the bulk of my trip so far. My body has acclimated to the heat, my soul has acclimated to the comfort. My wardrobe acclimated too. For seven months my feet haven't so much as grazed the cotton on a pair of socks. They've forgotten what it feels like to be cocooned inside of a shoe.
Going back to Thailand was sounding like a much more sensible idea. A more comfortable idea. Or maybe just heading to the southern beaches of Vietnam, where I knew it would still be warm and sunny. It would be better. It would be easier.

We always know what we really should be doing though.
I knew that I should go to China. Like I said I would. Like I wanted to. But the difficulties were starting to scare me.

That feeling that my friend Kyle gave me, the one that made me feel like I could do anything, didn't last very long. It was around this time that my parents enrolled me in the Seventh Day Adventist school. I was being isolated from the rest of the class for my poor learning and odd behavior. On the outside I was pretending not to be phased, but secretly I was frustrated with myself and my environment, and my inability to conform socially and excel academically. Things were getting more and more difficult all the time, but I honestly wasn't trying very hard. When my parents were informed by my teacher ( who was in fact, a real weirdo ) that I had stopped turning in homework and had stopped taking exams seriously, my father decided to start tutoring me at night. He forced me to sit down with him in the evenings and work on my lessons. It was horrible, and I resisted. I would have breakdowns. I would throw fits. I didn't even want to try. I felt like I never would, that I never could. I put all my energies in to giving up, and the more I did, the harder things became. But my father kept trying, and eventually things turned around.

With my V-necks and Chaco's laughing at me in the background, I threw up my hands and gave up on giving up. I made the decision to go to China anyways. I just resigned to the fact that things would be different.

I soon as I reached Nanning, my first real city in China, all my fears starting becoming reality. It was freezing. It was cloudy. I was miserable, and lost. I couldn't communicate, I couldn't navigate."What the fuck am I doing here?" was all I kept hearing over and over in my head. What's the point? What am I trying to prove? It's just too difficult.

When I reached the top of "Solitary Beauty Peak", I was in fact solitary. But the beauty part seemed to be a cruel joke. I was soaking wet, and coughing up a lung. As I panned 360degs, I noticed a boring little monument with an inscription on it. To my surprise, it was written in both Chinese characters and English, and it said this:

"There is no distinction between difficult and easy. It you try, difficult things become easy. When you give up, easy things become difficult."

The rain, the wind, the cold, the clouds, the fears, the past, the pain. It all suddenly disappeared. I really did feel solitary, and it really was beautiful.

On the train to Guiling, I met a Chinese guy who spoke decent English. He asked about my story, then told me that he really did think I was crazy. "Learning Chinese will be difficult you know" What happens if you don't get a job? "What happens if you can't do what you think to do?" he questioned. "I guess I'm not sure". "Maybe it's true, maybe I won't be able to do it, maybe it will all be too difficult" I said. "But I'm going to try"

I have to try.

On my way back home, I was amazed at how much easier everything suddenly seemed.

EVENTS:bought a pair of converse all stars in Hanoi, its the first time Ive worn shoes in over 6 months / That first pair was the wrong size, too small, so I had to go buy another. shit. / It rained for four days straight in Hue, Vietnam, and me and a friend stayed in our room practically the whole time./ Sleeper buses in Vietnam suck, don't use them. / Bought a nice North Face shell to shield me from the rain / Back in Hanoi I picked up a pair of long undies, a micro fleece, a sport hoodie thing, and some gloves. / Met a cool couple in Hanoi, Jade and Samier, went out and got smashed with them. We should have had a threesome / Train to Dang Dong ( yes Dang Dong ) / Arrived at Dang Dong in the middle of the night, with only one hotel option, my bed was decorated with frilly pink lace. / Ate a meal of stewed potatoes, rice, mystery meats, and mystery veggies with a really drunk Chinese guy yelling at me the whole time. / Crossing into China was really great... they did a good job of making it feel monumental, mainly because there are a lot of monuments / Got on a bus in Nanning and got lost. Nobody speaks English, and all I can say in Chinese is " I can't speak Chinese"..... which doesn't help as much as I'd hoped it would /

Thanks Kyle!

2010-01-09T07:00:00.000+08:00

I'll never forget my first drink. I was 10, and my friend Kyle showed me the way.

I like to credit Kyle with introducing me to sin, and how fun it could be. When I first met him, I hated him. But in the end, who can resist the charms of the devil right?

Kyle was a fat noisy brat, and a cliche-style bully. The kind you see in old 80's sitcoms like "the wonder years". ( well I guess it WAS the 80's at the time of this story, sooo....maybe it wasn't cliche yet)

He really liked me, I assume, because he spent most of his time trying to torture me. He used to do this thing where he would sneak up behind me in the hallway at school and slam is first down as hard as he could onto my spinal region. My gasping for breath must have been mistaken for some kind enjoyment, because he rapidly increased his spine-pounding productivity.

Kyle also liked to trap me into small corners and press his weight hard up against me, suffocating me with obesity, until I would moan in pain and beg for him to finish. Looking back, I think this may have been some kind of weird erotic thing for him.

He also like to punch me repeatedly in the arm, which wouldn't have been so bad had my arm been designed with just a little more padding.

Kyle was like a horsefly. Fucking annoying.

At some point I decided that I had suffered enough. I remember the shock, and the pain in his wrinkled up face, after my own fist came slamming ( as hard as I could muster ) down upon his spine. Do unto others as they do unto you, and Kyle loved it. We were suddenly friends.

Kyle saw possibilities in me, so he taught me things, like.. how to steal.

Stealing is a bad idea, that almost always ends in punishment for adults. But for kids, stealing is a lot of fun, and one of the most exciting things you can do on a saturday. So that's what me and kyle did. We ran around town dipping into small shops to fill our pockets with ridiculous trinkets and treats. Like pirates we would lay out our treasures in the evening to bask in their glow with pride. Maybe make a few trades or something too.

He also taught me a bit about how to be two-faced. Kyle knew exactly when to look, and sound like and angel, and when it was finally safe enough to get out his pitch fork. It was an amazing talent and I was endlessly impressed by his seamless transformations.

Kyle showed me the proper way to sneak out of my bedroom at night, without my parents waking up. We would run around the empty town at night with only the dim glow of streetlamps to guide us. ( but we didn't need any guidance anyways. )

Kyle was the first boy I knew who had touched real boobs. And the first boy I knew who proved it, by letting me watch him do it.

Kyle was also the first person I knew, who knew where to find a bottle of whiskey.

It was not delicious, but the moment was beyond delicious.

I saw him smile with pride as I lifted the bottle to my virgin mouth. He knew that he had changed my life. But as the whiskey rolled in, his smile was swept away with the flow. He also knew that I could do anything now, and that there was nothing left for me to learn from him.

EVENT:

( haven't done this in a while so this will be a lengthy one)

In Bangkok: unlike India, not all the buildings here are concrete. its nice / Im eating till Im sick, the food here is like crack / I feel sticky / some guy came up to me and started talking about all the rich people who knows, and how in Bangkok anything goes, I think he was hitting on me, but he was not cute, so I didn't "think about it"

In Kanchanaburi: AC bus was cold as shit.... turn it down please. / Stayed at a hotel for old guys looking for 12 year old Thai prossies / Town sucks, I want to leave asap / museum had lots of coins. Most of them looking like most of them / Met a couple hypoactive sorority girls. They like beer. / Guys on fire jumping from bridges was cool / Waterfalls out of town were nice, but I felt lonely there as most people seemed to already have enough friends. / Girls in Thailand are much friendlier then Indian girls. I like them.

In Ayutthaya: Where are all these girls coming from anyways? / Holy 7-11's!! / Hot sun burning my face off. / I came too early, the balloon fest doesn't start for another week, shit

In Chiang Mai: did some yoga / Loving the Thais here, for their super-star coolness / Other tourist here seem to avoid me / Thai girls seem to show a bit of interest in me, its nice to be flirted with again after living in the land of sexual repression for 5 months / Love riding my scooter, it's so much better then using my legs to get around / Played chess with a real freak. He gave me a headache with his never-ending blabbing about what his next move was going to be. Shut UP / Went to a great arts and crafts festival / bought a cool bracelet / Met a cool hippy chick and we did a cooking class together / met some guys working on a comic book / went to warm up cafe and met some friendly Thais who got me wasted with their whiskey and took me out to another sweet all-Thai club where I danced like a girl / saw some cool art at Minimal gallery and had some free beer to go with it / someone had some loud sex in the room next to me, and I was jealous / saw a cool band at Bridge bar playing Beatles remixes / decided to go back to Bangkok and hang out with Sarah.

In Bangkok2: Me and Sarah tore up Bangkok!

ok... my hands hurt and this is probably getting to be too much for any reasonable person to want to read. I'll play more catch up next week.

New years resolutions 2009

2009-12-26T07:00:00.000+08:00

\\\\\\\\\
PART\\\
ONE\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\

So this is the new year.
Do I feel any different?

I think so. I've learned alot at least.

What started out as a vague idea in 2008, to quit everything and run away to Asia... has mysteriously morphed into a reality. That's sort of how it feels too. Like a mystery.

So the things I day-dream about really are possible?
All I have to do.... is do them?
OK.

I've learned that as soon as I seriously decide to do something. An open door is waiting just around the corner. ( It's always around the corner too, just out of site. Waiting for me to take the first steps. Its a test )

Nike has always had it right. You just have to do it. right? right.

I learned that I can't escape my personal high's and low's. They come with me. I have to get along with them. Try to be friendly. Empathize with them. Don't take things so personal.

Despite all my best efforts, I will never fully understand myself. And that's ok.
I'll never understand the past either. But maybe somethings aren't meant to be understood.

I've learned that I have a lot to say, but don't always know how to say it. But that's ok too. Not everything needs to be said. And the things that do need to be said, will be.

Over thinking things, over analyzing things, over complicating things. They can be damaging.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.
Get on with it. Do it. Say it.

Make it happen!
(Now)

\\\\\\\\\
PART\\\
TWO\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\

There's been many UP's
There's been many DOWN's
( physically and mentally. )

Here's a quick ( simplified ) hi-lo run down for my 2009:

\\DOWN's\\

The dickheads in Mumbai they tricked us into liking them.
Massive Toe blister in Goa. You were painful and gross.
Being wet for three days straight in Goa. Not awesome.
Max Constipation. I thought I would need medical help.
Crying myself to sleep at night, and worrying that I would be discovered.
Breathing the air in Bangalore. I may have lung cancer now.
The dogs in Hampi. Not puppies. Not into being pet. ( mostly into eating human flesh )
4 days of death-fever in Kochi. instead of making out with hot French girl. goddamnit.
Crazy guy in Kanyikurmari. I thought you were going to rape me. And I was stoned
Bus-stop samosa in Trichy. I puked and shit all night. Thanks.
The heat in mamalapuram. Is that really necessary?
Nail in foot in Jodpur. There was a serious threat of amputation. Seriously
Rickshaw guys in Jailsamer. WTF. Stop doing drugs, and get your hands off of me.
Altitude sickness in the Himalayas. At least I had a good view.
Wobbly table in Delhi. You broke my Steripen you bastard

\\Up's\\

Chai and whoever invented you. you are amazing
The big hill in Hampi. wow.
The neighborhoods in Mysore. I've never seen so many beautiful kids.
The bus ride from Oooty. Even though I thought I would die.
Getting stoned in Kanyikurmari. Also part of a down though.
The Temple in Maduri. whoa. Its like, really going on here.
Mikahani lassis in Jodpur. I drank three of you a day.
The fort in Jodpur. Best in India
The Manali-Leh highway. This was the craziest thing I've ever done.
Momo's and Thunkpa. I miss you so much.
Israelis in Mcleodganj you guys know how to chill
The Golden Temple in Amritsar 10x better then the Taj
The metro in Delhi. I want to ride you all day.
Ok.. The Taj.
Varanasi. The most India place in India. wow.
Paan.
Learning to roll a proper spliff. I feel really cool now
Brown Bread bakery. Best breakfasts I had in India. Maybe the world.
Dance party in the streets in Santiniketan and being the only whitey.
The film festival in Kolkata. I never saw so much nudity before. especially in India.
Henry Rollins in India. I mean. what?
Bangkok. you're crazy.
Super hip Thais in Chiang Mai. Thanks for letting me hang out.
All the amazing travelers I've met so far. You guys are so cool. It blows my mind.

\\\\\\\\\
PART\\\
ThREE\\\
\\\\\\\\\

Just a few people ( or groups of people ) I want to give an 09 thanks to:

My mum and Dad. I'm lucky to have such supportive parents. See you in 2010
ARS. I'm lucky to have had such understanding employers.
My friends from St Joe. You guys never made me feel like I was being stupid. I miss all of you.
People who read my blog. Thanks for both the positive and constructive feedback.
Chaco's. For finally coming through with that pair of sandals. ( my feet also thank you )

\\\\\\\\\
PART\\\
FOUR\\\
\\\\\\\\\

My new year's resolutions:

I will:
Move to China, find a job, and learn to speak Chinese.
Do yoga at least twice a week. ( I'd like to say everyday, but... I need to set realistic goals here )
Not smoke more then one cigarette per month. No, make that two. No, one.

That's it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
from here............ to..... all the way............ over there!